Parenting 101
Growing up with two brothers and two sisters, there always seemed to be an enormous amount of competition in our home. I was continuously compared to my older sister who seemed to be the perfect child, and my ability to keep up with the standard my mother felt she set was lacking in every way. There was contention in our home. There was resentment. It has taken many years of work to get to a healthy place for all five of us kids, but we are finally there. And the lessons I have learned are interesting to say the least.
- Don’t compare your kids! Each one is different and each one deserves attention for their individual accomplishments—even if you think those accomplishments are less than commendable. If you have a child who does not want to participate in the stereotypical activities for their age or gender, don’t compare them to the child down the street. This is a very dangerous path, and your child will just end up despising the neighbors.
- Do not encourage children to “work it out” on their own until they have the skill set to truly work out their struggles. I remember many moments of “working it out” as kids. My go-to-move was clocking my brother in the face. I have much better communication strategies now, but there is a never ending supply of stories for any dinner gatherings with my siblings.
- Don’t encourage dissention in your home. I’m fairly certain my mother believed a little bit of healthy hatred would motivate us to do better. It in fact did not!
- Treat your spouse with kindness and respect. I grew up knowing that one of my parents could do no right in the other’s eyes. That was not a real motivator in the marriage department. There is no greater gift you can give your kids than to create an environment of peace and love. There is nothing more nurturing than a home filled with kindness and respect.
- And this issue with respect should carry over to your kids. They are just very short people. Do not treat them in a way you would not treat another adult. Kids can learn from reasoning and reassurance just like adults. The “just because I said so” routine is worthless. Teach your children why you are directing them in a particular behavior, and then maybe they will employ that knowledge again in the future. Seriously, would you tell a friend “just do what I say and stop asking questions”, or is this just reserved for those people we love and cherish most?
- Do NOT publically take the stance that you love one child more than another. You may be surprised in the future, and find that the one you singled out as “less than” is the only one willing to help you in your old age. You may be taking care of them now, but those kids will very likely end up taking care of you in the future. Just sayin’…
- The whole “I brought you into this world and I can take you out” mentality is not one I suggest you cling to. You really don’t have the power to take them out without hefty consequences, and quite frankly you need to avoid empty threats all together. Try switching to “you are going to lose a privilege if you continue to lie on the floor in isle 7 of this Wal-Mart—screaming like someone lit you on fire.” Kids have a currency. Find out what they value and discuss the reality of choices and consequences. Like I said earlier…they are just really short people. Kids deserve respect even if they are pitching a fit that makes you look like you are parenting a howler monkey.
- Love your children in every stage of their lives. My mother tells us how she hated the newborn stage. Can you imagine telling someone, “in the beginning of our relationship you were a nightmare, but now I like you”…seriously?!? I’m sure there was something redeeming about that stage of my childhood. Like the fact that I couldn’t get into anything because I couldn’t even hold my own head up… Or the fact that I couldn’t talk back, or talk at all. If the reason for loving that child throughout their existence seems to be missing…dig deep. I’m sure you can find something.
- Please, for the love of all that is holy, do not give the “in my day” speech. Kids today are facing issues we never dealt with. We, as parents, need to be aware of the fact that we may not actually understand what our children are going through. Take time to sit down and listen, and then just try being the soft place for your children to fall. It is hard not to advise them in every aspect of their lives, but take a deep breath and just say, “I am so sorry you were un-friended on facebook.”
- Just love the living crap out of your kids. They will return the favor ten-fold. There is nothing quite like knowing you are loved no matter who you are or what you do with your life. Love your child who becomes a doctor. Equally love the child who aces Clown College and becomes the best juggler in a traveling circus.
Love this excellent advice!! You are so wise, all parents could use a reminder of this!
Such great advice, Amber! I wish I had read this 30 years ago 🙂
Great post! Definitely some good reminders;)
Wow! You are right on with #2 – not letting them just “work it out”. This was the way we were taught growing up (I have two brothers and a sister). I believe the only thing we “worked out” in the end was poor relationship dynamics as adults.
As far as #9 goes – things were better in my day!!!! 🙂 This one is a difficult one but I see your point. Maybe if we frame it differently with phrases like “you know, it wasn’t always this way…” What do you think Amber. This one is a difficult one to pass up in the moment
I really appreciate your comments made regarding loving every stage of life with your children. Many sleepless nights with a struggling infant and long days full of poopy diapers left me wishing for future days of older children. It was during those times when I would try and focus on the sweet kisses, first words, and gigantic giggle smiles. I would say to myself “you will miss these moments”. It would give me just enough patience to endure until daddy got home and I could collapse into a 15 minute nap.
Why would you try to reason with a screaming kid? That is what spanking is for.
Hmmmm, explains a lot! Sorry kids! No, hopefully we did okay. It’s a bit of an experiment, especially the first. Each though, as you say, is so different that you can’t just repeat the experiment and expect the sane results. Love these guidelines because they apply across the spectrum.
Wow Amber that is awesome . I have to share this with you . My Dad had saved a clipping from the newspaper around 1969 and we found it deep in his sewing table in an envelope marked for my sister and I. He talked about a lot of things ,but this article he said he read 100’s of times to be this kind of parent and hoped that he lived up to it. Well he absolutely did and your writings from your own life lessons are so dead on to what he wanted to be . Hopefully I can paste and copy into this for you.